The Beginning to the End
by mzfaithlehane
Summary: "From all the way to the beginning and all the way to the end, I love you." Sometimes, love comes in a unique and strange way. All you need to do is discover it.


Essential Listening: Say Something by A Great Big World/Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

If one thing was sure, Reid was really never the same. There were many things that happened so far that didn't make sense. The thirteen serial killers, the bombings, his mom getting dementia, Hotch dying... If anything, the things that did make sense were even harder to explain. Getting a new team member, Emily coming back, JJ becoming somewhat distant from Will. Maybe he should've put that last one under "one million things that never made sense".

Sure, the job was intense, but JJ managed to find some sort of balance between home and work. At least, that's what Reid thought. For the last nine years, JJ managed to find keep a stable and healthy relationship. That is, until the last few weeks. All of the sudden, the both of them gave perfunctory hugs and kisses, like they didn't care for each other anymore. Actually, he noticed the passion was gone some time ago, but decided not to comment for her sake. _Maybe it's just temporary._

Then there was this feeling Reid got. He didn't know why, but ever since he met JJ, he got this flutter in hie chest. It was like his heart was telling him that he needed to make a move. It soon changed into heart palpitations; his heart was going a mile a minute. It slowly died down when Reid and the team found out that JJ had a relationship and soon a child with Will. He didn't hate him, but there was something about Will that made Reid keep his distance. He thought that it was done after Emily's "death". Friends, nothing more, nothing less.

At least, until Maeve that is. After she died, love was gone, forever shattered in his tears and depression. Love was just a lost cause to him. He threw himself into his work, and even with some validation with Maeve; it just seemed better that he was alone. It had been almost three years when the heart palpitations started once more, but he never understood why. Reid ignored it; betraying Maeve was the last thing he wanted.

With Morgan and Hotch gone, Reid should've felt emotionally closed off. Instead, he felt that he wanted to share his emotion with her. Why couldn't he just walk up to her and just talk. Maybe because she was still angry over him after the Emily incident? Maybe that she had a family to take care of and she just didn't have the time? Maybe she just wasn't up for a huge conversation? Or...

 _Why are you doing this to yourself when you know that you love her?_

That was the other thing; this love. He wouldn't have called it love 12 years ago, but now? Maybe it was love and he didn't know it. Maybe it was his heart going faster due to nervousness or stress. Reid was confused, so he headed to his car to get some sort of clarity.

...

After Hotch's death, things were truly not the same. Even when Emily said that some things never change, who was she kidding? Everything had changed, in the worst way possible at times. The funeral was quiet and somber, as expected for a death of a co-worker. But Hotch wasn't just a co-worker; he was a family member, a confidant, a mentor, and most importantly, the best dad he could ever have.

It did, however, help that there were friends to help him soften the blow. Jack was devastated, and Jessica decided to take him away, wanting to have some sort of peace in a chaotic world. But never would Reid even imagine that he would be going into a diner to talk to a person he barely even knew. Sitting right across from her, it just didn't make sense that he would be talking to a divorced woman about matters like this. Loss, changes, and love. Three words that one person should avoid at all costs. At least, in his mind.

What he should avoid also was the huge amount of food that she ate. While he ate a sandwich, she practically ate the whole menu, with room for dessert. She managed to at least mumble out a couple of words between chews. "So, you called me out of the blue for something big and you had to tell me here?"

"Elle, I'm pretty sure that after 12 years, I would've never thought that you would call. In fact, I'm surprised that you had the same number for the past decade." Elle managed to bring up a smile, one that was genuine and almost shining. Elle had longer and lighter hair, all of her hard features softened, her eyes have a new shine, and yet, she still looked admittedly, beautiful. Reid wondered how a woman of a considerable age can stay so gorgeous. Then his heart started beating once more, like on cue, it was ready to speed or slow down on a timer.

"Reid, so how's the team? I heard after I left...things had changed," Elle said with a hushed tone, feeling deep sympathy for all that he's been through. He would say that it wasn't her fault, but it kind of was. Elle left them, with no regret for what she had done. Luckily, the NYPD needed some new detectives for the Manhattan SVU distract and she was happy to apply. But Elle felt really guilty, for leaving Hotch, Morgan, Gideon, Garcia, JJ, and Reid most of all. From what she heard, only JJ, Reid, and Garcia were left, along with some other ones. It was bound to happen anyway, but this soon?

"Um, it really did. I mean, there is this girl named Emily who took over as Unit Chief after Hotch..." He winced at his name, reliving the pain once more. Elle instinctively reached for his hand, something a big sister would do to her little brother after he got hurt. In fact, the both of them thought of their relationship as that, in a slightly warped way, but still close after all these years.

"You don't have to say it. When people say we need to move on, we just can't. Even after two days, two months, two years, or even two decades, we still can't get over it. And it will suck every single time," she said in a soothing tone, very different from the Elle back then. It seemed that New York has changed, and in Reid's mind, for the better. He squeezed her hand and continued to talk, much slower than he ever did.

"There had been a revolving door of agents almost all of the time, and whenever they came, they always manage to leave. We have this guy named Luke Alvez who replaced Morgan, and he's really nice and all, but I'm afraid that if I get attached..."

"You won't be able to let go." She looked at him with a deep sadness that she wanted to get rid of, but couldn't. She still had pent-up feelings about her dad, the BAU, her near-death experience, and well leaving them. Elle looked at him, truly looked at him, and saw everything beneath his still healing mentality. It was a broken heart. The same broken heart she had; a heart that was still mending. A heart that will be shattered again and again.

"Reid, what happened to you? I had heard about Maeve Donovan and how you were broken up from JJ, but-" She finally saw it, the reason for his shattered heart. It wasn't Maeve who broke it, it was JJ. JJ broke his heart all those years ago, without even knowing it. Elle never knew that he wanted to admit his feelings, his feelings, his love. She knew that love was a strong word, but what he and JJ had was special relationship that was almost untouched.

"I don't why I even knew her in the first place. I was angry after Emily's faked death, but I knew my heart was shattered way before. Before she went away to the Pentagon, before she had Henry, even before we even knew that she was dating Will; I had a broken heart way back when JJ and Will first met." Reid looked like he was almost about to cry, which made Elle extremely devastated.

"I thought that I had a chance," he continued, almost breaking up. "with her. To hold her, to help her, to kiss her, to love her for who she really is. Sometimes, I wonder that if Will hadn't come to the picture, maybe, just maybe," he wept. Tears formed in his eyes, making Elle wonder why she left in the first place. She understood that Reid can be emotionally invested when it comes to a lot of cases, but to his personal life. _Maybe I don't know him as well as I thought,_ Elle thought.

Elle stood up and sat right next to Reid, letting him put his shoulder on hers, letting him shed as many tears as he could. After what felt like an eternity, his tears finally let up, raising his head up. He picked up his messenger bag and was started to head out when Elle grabbed his arm, with a tension that felt as thick as a rock. Reid turned back to her when she managed to choke up these words.

"They say that when people have a broken heart, the only way to truly mend it is to confess. To give away those feelings, to finally let them out, to show them and the world how you feel."

"What are you trying to say?" Reid asked in a quiet voice.

"What I am trying to say is, confessing to JJ is the only way to let this go away. You can't just keep this to yourself and expect it to be okay, because it's not." Her hardness had returned, but in a much more maternal way. "So don't just say "I love you" and move on. Truly tell her how you feel, and maybe, just maybe, you will get some peace Spencer." She picked up her purse and almost headed out when Reid suddenly pulled her into a surprise hug which she returned gratefully.

They didn't need any words, it was already there, maybe even stronger. Elle headed out for New York, having a new sense of validation. Meanwhile, Reid headed back to the BAU, hopefully managing to catch JJ.

...

JJ was packing up her things for the day. Her home life was fine, if it wasn't for the distance. Will and her just separated, but kept up this act for everyone else. To be the "perfect couple" everyone has always known them for. Them having the sense that maybe a stable home life is possible. Her personal life wasn't broken, just been dull. It wasn't like she was going to suddenly divorce Will. It didn't seem right, to him, or to the team. _Or to Spence_ , one of the voices in the back of her head blurted out.

JJ didn't know why she thought of that, but why would she be unfair to Spencer? She had done some secretive things before, but the both of them got past it after awhile. It just didn't make sense, however that, while she was married to Will, Spencer would always be on her mind somehow. Whether it was his appearance, or the way he talked, or the way that he laughed, or smiled...

She still had Will, and she had to be focused on him and the kids. JJ wondered about a lot of things, about how she had changed, how her life has changed, and how had Spencer changed. _Will, keep your focus on Will JJ!_ She almost slapped herself for that. JJ didn't know why all of the sudden, her heart started to flutter whenever Spencer was around, It just seemed to be on cue, never happening with Will, but always happening with him. It almost felt...good.

JJ was about to head out when all of the sudden, Spencer suddenly appeared, making her go back to her desk. He had a serious look on his face and he almost seemed eager to do something. JJ had a gut instinct that it had something to do with her, but pinpointing it was almost impossible. Spencer appeared only six inches away, having a sudden confidence to go up to her.

"Hey Spence," she said in a unsure tone. "what's going on?" He fumbled with his fingers for a bit before finally making up his mind. Spencer talked slowly and carefully, unlike his usual rambling.

"JJ, there is something I need to tell you. And please don't interrupt because this is something that you need to hear." JJ sunk down into her chair, while Spencer pulled out a chair right in front of her.

"For the past 12 years now," he carefully started. "I was always known as the genius to everybody. To the BAU, to my family, to even unknown strangers, but JJ, you saw something in me that I have never observed in my 35 years of life. You saw me as a friend, a true and loyal friend that no one really ever knew. From that point forward, I saw you as a kind and loving soul. But something had changed between the both of us."

"Spence," she interrupted. "if this is about-"

"No Jennifer, it isn't, and I'll tell you why." Spencer interjected in a somber tone, with JJ becoming slowly concerned. "It wasn't because of you moving to the Pentagon and becoming a profiler; it was because of you and Will getting together and that's when I realized that I never had a chance." She looked at him with wide eyes, while her heart started to beat even faster. _Right on cue,_ she thought.

"Ever since you and Will met, I knew that from that point forward, I never had a chance with you. You two had a child together and I wanted that with you. Jennifer, when you transferred to the Pentagon, I thought that things would change for us. You came back as a profiler and I saw you became, much more harder than before. I know this was because of the fact that you were stationed in the Middle East, but it still hurt that you acted like that as if it was no big deal." JJ's heart started to almost overflow with emotions that she couldn't hide anymore. JJ started to finally open her eyes to what Spencer was feeling and it hurt.

"JJ," he sighed in a hushed breath. "you marrying Will and finally having your happy fairytale ending really just put it to rest on why I can't be with you. I met Maeve, but my heart was broken too many times, so really, even if Maeve wouldn't have died; I still won't be able to find love with her. I wouldn't be able to find love with anybody because of the fact that my love will go to you JJ. That love will always go to you JJ. It will never stop, ever."

"Spence," she stuttered. "are you saying that-"

"Jennifer Jareau, I love you. From the very beginning and all the way to the end, I love you." Those words cemented it for her, almost making her even wonder why she went with Will in the first place. She was frozen while Spencer was walking out of the doors and to the elevators. JJ didn't even have to decide what she wanted. She went up to him and grabbed his arm, making him turn around. There were only two inches away from each other. JJ leaned in, knowing exactly what she wanted to do.

"JJ, you have two kids, a husband," he whispered. "this isn't right."

"Spence, I have been trying to figure out who my feelings truly go to." she countered. "It was either you or Will, and I had always went with Will. But now, I want this, I want you, and I have always wanted you." His breath was warm, her eyes pleading. In one swift move, their lips connected, shattering the world with it.

It started out small, only having just a millimeter away from each other. Spencer slowly deepened the kiss, wanting this to last as long as possible. He was caressing her face while she wrapped one of her arms around his neck. She melted right into it, and it was better than any kiss she had, ever. This was just a little bit of perfect, and she didn't want it to stop.

Spencer and JJ separated, having their eyes wide with shock and curiosity. JJ whispered in his ear with a gentle and a little breathless voice.

"And I love you Spencer Reid. From the very beginning and all the way to the end, I love you." They looked at each other with intimacy, hugging each other as tight as they can. Maybe this was a love that they can hold on to.

From the beginning to all the way to the end.


End file.
